I had been harboring fears that my assortment of vague and seemingly unrelated symptoms would earn me the undeserved title of hypochondriac or worse yet, would lead to my being misdiagnosed and sent home with an armful of inappropriate prescription drugs. I realize now that I have lived with these symptoms for as long as eight years! Amazing how I just incorporated the pain into my experience by normalizing it, numbing my natural response to my own bodily signals.

I suppose in an offhanded kind of way I have the Atkin's high protein, low carb diet to thank for the discovery of my illness, as it seems my symptoms WENT THROUGH THE ROOF during my 3 week trial of this diet (to lose weight) - severe swelling all over my body, particularly in my legs and feet, and an aching in my limbs that felt like cement was setting up and pressing in on my muscles. This acute reaction made it impossible for me to ignore the problem any longer. Others were now taking notice as well.  Once I was diagnosed, a friend commented that it was not surprising that MY disease would be rare and unique. She also made the observation that since a cure had not yet been established for this dis-ease I had been liberated! This left the doors of possibility for exploring my own self healing wide open.

Not exactly the sympathetic response I had expected, though her positive spin held some truth for me. I realised,with irritation and amusement, that I had sealed my fate in this regard earlier in the year when I allowed my health insurance to lapse. With a fresh diagnosis I was now a marked woman with a "pre-existing condition" and little hope of a renewal of coverage for my condition. This would limit my reliance on traditional methods of care. The purported connection of body/mind/spirit as inseparable parts to a whole and key to one’s "well being" has always had the intuitive ring of truth about it. At least in theory. . .  Now it struck me that I wasn’t sure how these "parts" within me related at all or when and if I have ever really felt their connection. How to begin reconnecting. . .?

So this is the path I am currently pursuing - a process of integration. What has this meant in terms of my everyday experience of living with CREST? Listening and responding to my bodily needs, massage, hot tub soaks, physical therapy (yoga, reflexology, breathwork, and swimming at the local healthclub).  Dietary changes - my horrific experience with the Atkins high protein diet caused me to question the inclusion of excessive amounts of protein (particularly animal protein) in my diet. My body seems to be responding very well to LOW amounts of protein with increased amounts of veggies and fruits, and some carbohydrates. I go through alot of V-8 juice which seems to keep down swelling and joint pain. I have been trying to eat smaller meals, more frequently, with plenty of healthy "grazing" food to nibble on. This has helped my gastrointestinal reflux problem considerably. This, of course, is all anecdotal information. I assume everyone is different. I am simply listening and connecting more with my body, and it seems to provide a pretty good guide as to what is helpful.

I began meditation which has had the affect of unclogging the emotional drain and is bringing up an assortment of fears, old hurts and dis - stress. The fears are in large part related to "moving" into the future. I had literally begun to "freeze up" from fear! This fear seems to follow on the heels of the deaths of several family members (and even my pet cat!) all within a short span of time and with all the attendant deep and sordid feelings of loss, anger, guilt, unresolved issues, sorrow and so forth. I also recognised that my life had become joyless and dutiful. It desperately needed to be infused with playfulness. This antidote has been surprisingly difficult to achieve, as guilt and depression at the thought of such carefree expressions seemed to crop up & take me to task whenever I began to get giddy with childlike glee. Giving myself permission to slow down, smell the roses, pursue interests that were pleasurable without the need to harness them to some all important goal meant putting aside the voices of the critical parent within me. Work, duty and responsibility do NOT have to come at the cost of personal joy and self love! What a revelation! Balance IS possible. . . . . it just takes a little practice.  Well. . . ALOT of practice.

I looked at the dense layers that had built up the "thick skin" on my body and wondered what old hurt or pain I've buried deep beneath this "scar tissue". I imagined that it must be so small, soft and vulnerable.  I have been journaling and recording my dreams in order to gently probe and coax it out. This will take some time. . . . The meditation has also begun opening up a spiritual dimension which is deeply personal, though certainly not unique. It is a light that draws me to center.

So this is where I am with it all. I'm mining for gold without a map, but have great faith that the journey itself will be the reward.